Insecurity

Basically, I've figured it out. I'm insecure. Mainly, I'm insecure in my relationships with other people. I am not, however, insecure in my marriage. I feel very safe there. Unfortunately, I can pinpoint where the insecurity in my relationships (friendships) comes from. The person I believed I was closest to in the whole wide world as a teenager, my "BFF" for several years, caused this. She caused me to think I wasn't good enough. She made me think I could never be as pretty or smart or popular as she was. Later I come to find out, she kept me as such a close friend because I made her look more attractive in comparison when we were together. She was always leaps and bounds more beautiful than I was and I knew it. She treated me like I was beneath her. I kind of saw it, but I ignored it to keep the "closest" friendship I'd ever had.

I didn't believe that horrible friendship had affected me so negatively until the past few years. I realized that I was always weary of anybody who I deemed to be "leaps and bounds" more beautiful than me wanting to be my friend. It makes me nervous that they would want to be friends with someone as ugly and fat as me without having ulterior motives. I realize this is insane and I have made very close "BFF" friendships with beautiful people and I am very happy with those friendships. It's still hard though to get completely past my insecurity.

One fault of mine is that I trust people very quickly and very easily and then, as time wears on, I back away and lose some of that trust, especially if I feel that person does not trust me back. I'm scared of putting myself totally into a friendship and having the same thing happen to me again. That stupid bitch has made me paranoid that everyone who is even nice to me has some kind of ulterior motive! I also don't want to be pitied. I don't want to people to continue friendships with me when they don't even like me because they feel bad or something. Screw that. What I need is for people to be honest and then I wouldn't feel so paranoid! I may be hurt, but at least I wouldn't be wasting my time or theirs anymore!

I'm a very honest person. I will tell you the truth if you ask me a question. I will probably give too many details about something that you don't care about. I feel people hide things too much. I'd so much rather know something than it being hidden from me. My husband likes to hide shit. It makes me angry. The thing he is hiding has never made me as angry or as hurt as the hiding itself. I guess I have such a problem with this "hiding" thing because I do not do it myself. I don't hide things. I will say exactly what happened. I don't understand the need to hide things. It doesn't solve any problems.

Completely off topic, but I hate my job. Hate it. I work at a place that treats you like you are in fucking high school. Why do I stay there?  Right now, the only thing that keeps me from walking out is the friendships I've made there. If they decided to get up and go, I would be right there with them and it would be a mass exodus! But, at what point is that not enough anymore?  At what point do I feel secure enough in my abilities to find another job?

I just realized this insecurity thing is not just in my relationships. I'm insecure in my shitty ass job. I'm definitely insecure with how I look. I'm insecure with talking to people in general. I'm insecure with my political knowledge. I'm insecure with my handwriting. I'm insecure when I post status updates on FB and wonder if people will like it or comment. What the HELL happened to me?? Even though I've always been bigger and unattractive, I at least had some shred of self-confidence. Where did it go?? I guess I can't blame my insecurity on anyone, but myself. However, I need someone (Other than my husband) to tell me how important I am to them. I can't keep being the person that gives and gives with nothing in return. I need to be told that I matter. I have to feel that SOMEONE cares about me. I just tweeted asking someone to tell me I am important and I matter. I love my friends :) Now, it's time to work on this insecurity.